Seen on a convenience store sign: Get Ice Cold Ice Here. Really. Ice Cold Ice, huh? That’s pretty novel, people.

My voice mail provider is Google Voice, a free service with multiple awesome features. One of the awesome features is that it will send you text messages and / or emails informing you of new messages, and optionally include a transcription of the voice message. Sometimes the sound quality isn’t quite up to snuff, and the transcription engine gets things a little wrong. Or more than a little. The transcription of the above quoted message was:

See you on a convenience store so. Alright get. I just called He’s here billy. I just called. I saw that’s pretty novel people. Bye.

I’m used to the transcriptions not being 100% accurate, but there is usually enough right for me to get the gist of the message without listening. Not this time. If someone else had left the message, anyway.

Maybe this speaks more to some speech impediment I have than to defects in Google Voice. I’ll let you decide: google-voice-message-20100429-0932.

Regardless, I really do like the service and wouldn’t give it up, I just found the transcript amusing in how bad it was in this case.

Today I received an email from my son’s school district informing me of some classes being provided by the Davis School District Parent Information Resource Center. Through the spring and summer, nine different classes will be provided for men, women and children. All of the classes are free, unless, of course, you are over the age of 17 years and have XY chromosomes.

That’s right, the two classes that are for men (“Tools To Effective Fathering” and “Anger Management”) cost money. In the case of “Tools To Effective Fathering,” I can maybe see why they charge for that one. There aren’t corresponding “Tools To Effective Mothering” or “Tools To Effective Childing” classes, so maybe that one is different enough that they have to charge for it. That being said, men are such idiots and poor at parenting (according to some parts of society, anyway) that you’d think they’d want to make that class free so that we poor men could be less lousy parents.

Regardless, the one that really gets me is “Anger Management”. There are four classes with that title. Two are for children of various ages, one is for women, and the other for men. The ones for women and children are listed as “No Charge”. The one for men is listed as “Call for details”! WHY?!? Are the classes being taught at a singles bar?

I can understand why children wouldn’t be charged, as it is a school district thing and the education of children is already being paid for by our tax dollars. But why would women get a free pass on the anger management class when men have to pay? Are women anger free? That can’t be the case since they have an anger management class. Or maybe their class is to teach them how to manage the anger of the men they know.

If that isn’t frustrating enough, what really ticks me off is that they school district would be affiliated with providing these classes at all after this last legislative session. The Davis district may not be hurting as bad as some of the other school districts in Utah after the spending cuts, but they are making changes due to the decreased budgets they are facing. And yet they have money to provide and/or support free optional classes to the community? Maybe they should be more focused on their charge to educate the children of the district and less concerned with extraneous classes, no matter how well intentioned they might be.

If you’d like to see it, here is a link to the copy I received via email: DSD PIRC Spring & Summer Class Schedule 2010.

*The answer is that women are slow and hard to teach, so it takes more effort, thus it costs more.**
**JUST KIDDING!

One of the best explanations of how Obama won the election.

From a teacher in the Nashville area.

We are worried about ‘The Cow’ when it is all about ‘The Ice Cream.’

The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while teaching third grade this year.

The presidential election was heating up and some of the children showed an interest.

I decided we would have an election for a class president.

We would choose our nominees. They would make a campaign speech and the class would vote.

To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other class members.

We discussed what kinds of characteristics these students should have.

We got many nominations and from those, Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot.

The class had done a great job in their selections. Both candidates were good kids.

I thought Jamie might have an advantage because he received lots of parental support.

I had never seen Olivia’s mother.

The day arrived when they were to make their speeches.

Jamie went first.

He had specific ideas about how to make our class a better place. He ended by promising to do his very best.

Everyone applauded and he sat down.

Now it was Olivia’s turn to speak.

Her speech was concise.

She said, “If you will vote for me, I will give you ice cream.”

She sat down.

The class went wild. “Yes! Yes! We want ice cream.”

She surely would say more. She did not have to.

A discussion followed. How did she plan to pay for the ice cream?

She wasn’t sure.

Would her parents buy it or would the class pay for it?

She didn’t know.

The class really didn’t care. All they were thinking about was ice cream..

Jamie was forgotten. Olivia won by a landslide.

Every time Barack Obama opened his mouth he offered ice cream and 52 percent of the people reacted like nine year olds.

They want ice cream.

The other 48 percent know they’re going to have to feed the cow and clean up the mess.

This is the ice cream Obama promised us!

Remember, the government cannot give anything to anyone that they have not first taken from someone else.

A very *very* senior friendly establishment, it would appear.

I was looking forward to having lunch there sometime until someone pointed out that sign. Now I know if I’m going to go there for lunch, I’ve gotta get outta there by 1 pm no matter what!

The Man Rules

We always hear about “the rules” from the female perspective. This list provides insight from the male point of view!

Please note: These are all numbered 1 on purpose!

1. Men are not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl now. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes & no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something, or you can tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or hockey.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. Did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can to give them a bigger laugh.

The first man pulls over to try to stop the second from taking his life. “What are you doing?!? Surely things aren’t so bad that hanging yourself is the only solution!”

“They definitely are that bad,” came the simple reply.

“Then tell me about it, maybe you just need to talk through things.”

“One hundred years ago, if you were even *thought* to be homosexual, you’d be taken to a public place and whipped or stoned to death. Fifty years ago, if you were discovered to be homosexual you’d be completely and utterly ostracized from society, unable to find work or provide for yourself. Twenty-five years ago, homosexuality became something one didn’t talk about, but it was not a big deal and you could still lead a fairly normal life. Today, we have laws requiring public acceptance of homosexuality, forbidding discrimination under threat of punishment.”

The first man had listened to this and replied, “Okay, that’s right, but those are good things. We’ve grown as a society to the point that we care about all people and want to ensure that all have the same basic human rights. What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing is wrong with *that*. I just want to get out of here before homosexuality becomes mandatory!”

The first man mulls over this for a minute and asks, “Do you have room up there for another rope?”

I think it goes without saying that they didn’t live happily ever after.

Retold from memory (and thus perhaps not 100% accurately) from a story told by Dave Allen on the BBC program Dave Allen At Large during the 1970s.

Bob and Helen aren’t just ordinary suburban parents. Oh no. They’re also superheroes: Mr Incredible (think Superman, but slightly less so) and Elastigirl (she’s stretchy and bendy). Or rather, they were superheroes. Due to public backlash against superpowered people, superpowers have been effectively outlawed and those so blessed forced to lead ordinary lives.

In any case, as you might imagine, when two people with superpowers marry and have children, the children tend to have superpowers as well. (By the way, have I used the word “superpowers” enough yet?) Jack-Jack has (by the end of the movie) the ability to shape-shift, Dash has super speed, and Violet can turn invisible.

In the DVD extras (I think) the creators of the show discuss how they tried to assign powers to the characters based on the characters themselves. Dash’s super speed fit him as an energetic hyper boy. Violet’s invisibility fit her because she was timid and felt ignored or over looked by others.

Now that I’ve told you what you probably already know, here’s why. One day my family and I were at the store and came across a large PEZ display with a variety of different dispensers of various licensed characters, including characters from The Incredibles. We let my youngest son get one, and I decided to get one to use as office flair. Mine was Mr Incredible.

I took it to work the next day and opened the package:

A Mr Incredible PEZ dispenser and its (empty) package.

As I was enjoying some chalky PEZ candy, I looked a little more closely at the empty package:

A closer look at the PEZ package for The Incredibles.

Featured on the package are Mr Incredible (upper right of the four characters), Elastigirl (lower right), Jack-Jack (lower left), and Dash (upper left). But …

Where’s Violet?!? Is she invisible in the middle? Or was she right to feel ignored and over looked?

I really wonder if they did it on purpose. If they did, it is funny. If it was an oversight on their part, that makes it hilarious!

The 2D glasses inspired me to create my own template for 1D glasses. Enjoy!

1D Glasses: Because Less Is More!

If you’d like, you can see the project that inspired this for yourself, but be warned: its name is a touch on the crude side. You have been warned. Really. I’m not responsible for you being offended. Okay? Okay.

The DIY 2D Glasses Project that inspired me. Also here. Also here. Finally here.

It’s “The Police Sargeant and the Harvard Professor”, a sitcom from the producers of “My Mother the Car”! Each week you’ll be able to follow the zany exploits of police Sergeant James Crowley and Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr.

Here are the lyrics of the theme song (sung to the tune of the Patty Duke show theme song, in case it’s not obvious):

Meet Henry who’s been most everywhere,
From overseas to Harvard Square.
But Jimmy’s only seen the sights
A guy can see from Cambridge Heights.
What a crazy pair!

But they’re beer buds,
They’re bickering beer buds all the way.
One pair of matching handcuffs,
Obama had to have his say.

While Henry adores his minaret,
Treat him like this, and you’ll regret.
Our Jimmy only had one goal,
From Henry he must take control.
What a wild duet!

Still, they’re beer buds,
They’re bickering beer buds and you’ll find,
Obama thinks, this mess it stinks,
Let us discuss it over drinks.

You will lose your mind,
When beer buds fight all of the time!

It’s sure to be a hit, so be sure to get to the record stores early to buy your copy!

So tune in to “The Police Sergeant and the Harvard Professor” Wednesdays at 8:30/7:30 Central this fall on FOX!

Note: Obligatory crappy audio files attached for your listening displeasure! If you can’t see the attachments and want to (and really, you shouldn’t want to) click on the title above the article. The files are available there.

Beer Buds / Patty Duke Theme Parody, :54 128 kbps MP3
Beer Buds / Patty Duke Theme Parody, :54 256 kbps WMA

My president has a first name, it’s J-I-M-M-Y.
My president has a second name, it’s C-A-R-T-E-R.
I hate to see him every day,
And if you ask me why I’ll say,
Jimmy Carter has a way of messing up the U-S-A.

I thought it was time to pull that old chestnut out, wipe the dust off, and introduce it to a new generation:

My president has a first name, it’s B-A-R-A-C-K.
My president has a second name, it’s O-B-A-M-A.
I hate seeing him every day,
And if you ask me why I’ll say,
Barack Obama has a way of effing up the U-S-A.

I much prefer the use of “effing” vs “messing” … your mileage may vary. :)

Note: The names with six letters (Carter & Barack) don’t quite fit the original jingle tempo, so they have to be read / sung slightly differently to squeeze them in. I’ve put together an a cappella (without accompaniment) version that I’m attaching to this post. In addition to a cappella, it is also in the style of senza talento musicale (without musical talent, according to Google Translate). Both wma & mp3 versions are available for your listening ‘pleasure’ (and I use that term very loosely). If you can’t see the attachments and want to (and really, you shouldn’t want to) click on the title above the article. The files are available there.

Barack Obama / Oscar Meyer Bologna Jingle Parody, :22 128 kbps MP3
Barack Obama / Oscar Meyer Bologna Jingle Parody, :22 256 kbps WMA